Beach Trip
by tokyoblackbird
Summary: In which Fai is an Australian prince with a terrible personality, hell-bent on winning a certain ninja who has taken a vow of chastity.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

* * *

**Rating:** PG-13/ T whatever

* * *

_Some boys are filling, some boys are filling the hole_

_Some boys are sleeping, some boys are sleeping alone_

- Death Cab for Cutie, "Some Boys"

* * *

"Penis, penis, penis," Fai muttered as he strode through the halls of Heaton High. "It could be interesting." He waved absently at the chorus of "hey mate"s and "what's up"s that trailed him. He was oblivious to the sideways glances and blushes he elicited.

A pretty girl lay on a cot with a thermometer in her mouth in the nurse's office. She noticed him as he walked past. Her brown eyes grew wide, she hesitated, and forced herself to her feet. She ran after him and tugged on his sleeve as he was about to walk into his theology class.

"Fai, um." She had long, fair hair and bangs cut straight across her forehead. She blushed like a baby pink-eared turtle. "You probably don't know me. I'm a ninth year. My name's Chelsea, but everyone calls me Chii."

Fai was in year twelve. He did not know her. "Pleasure to meet you, Chii." His voice took on a velvet purr.

"Thank you—" She squirmed under his gaze."I, um, I've had a crush on you for the longest time." She drew a deep breath. "Will you please go out with me?"

Fai took her hand and brought it to his lips. She swayed a little on her feet. "It would be my pleasure." He flipped her hand over and wrote his number across her palm, in the light blue Sharpie he always kept in his pocket.

"Oh, I already have it," she said without thinking. "I mean—"

At this point, who didn't? "I've got to go to class, love," he said, as if he hadn't heard. "Call me when you're free, okay? You're very cute." He gave her a peck on the cheek.

"Y-yes Fai," she said. She seized him in a quick hug before she ran away, her hands over her mouth. Fai wasn't sure if she was excited or genuinely ill.

He watched her go in concern, then shrugged. "Penis hmmm."

Today, Ms. Cook's color was yellow. She flipped her sheer yellow scarf over her shoulder and said, "Just as Moses sent Joshua to Canaan, so God has sent your new classmate to our land of milk and honey. Say hello to Kurogane. Come up here, Kurogane."

When Kurogane stood, Fai was surprised he hadn't noticed him right away. Over six feet tall and chiseled, he wore a form-fitting white t-shirt. Fai could see the bumps and indentations of hard muscle: _pectoralis major_, _rectus abdominis_.

"Where are you from, Kurogane?" asked Ms. Cook.

"England," he said. His voice, Fai noted, was low and rumbly. The kind of voice, if you heard it with the lights out, would confirm: here is a man. A big, hulking, manly man.

As Kurogane walked back down the aisle to take his seat, Fai reached out and tapped his arm.

"Tag," he said. "You're it."

* * *

During lunch, they sat in the apple tree at the far end of the field behind the school. Fai had bought a popsicle from the canteen. It was painting his lips, tongue and teeth a deep purple. He took his time with it. Kurogane was finishing his third onigiri.

"Isn't it ironic you got sent here for being a troublemaker?" Fai said.

"I thought you'd go away after I climbed the tree," Kurogane replied. "I can't believe you actually climbed the tree."

Under the tree, a crowd of twenty or so girls: "Come eat with us, Fai!" "We have cookies!"

"I mean, England has been sending its troublemakers here since 1788. Do you see the irony?"

Kurogane took a deep swig of green tea and closed his eyes. He looked like he had a headache, but Fai understood this to be his default expression, so he continued unperturbed.

"It's okay though, I _like_ bad boys."

Fai rested his head briefly on Kurogane's shoulder before Kurogane bopped it with his fist. Not hard enough to bruise, but hard enough to smart. "Owww."

"Don't you find it ironic," Kurogane said, "that you have half the girls in the grade begging to be your girlfriend and you're up here, pestering me?"

Fai shrugged. "They've all been my girlfriend, some time or other."

"You've slept with all the girls in the grade?"

"Half," Fai corrected, "of the girls in the school. And two teachers."

The Australian sky was pale blue, as if sun-bleached. Another might say it was the blue of a vodka flame. In the distance, a row of kookaburras sat on a telephone wire, chuckling madly. Beyond the school sprawled trim and monotonous suburbia: brick one-family houses, picket fences, riots of roses and occasionally, tomatoes.

Fai wondered if Newcastle was much different from England. If it was, Kurogane didn't show it. He always slouched when he sat, at ease.

"Trees," Fai said, with a dramatic wave of his hand, "always makes me think of kissing. As Shakespeare once said—"

"What about love? Do you really love those girls?"

Fai's smile disappeared. The change was startling. He suddenly no longer looked like himself.

"Love-" Fai's lip curled with disgust. "Is a bad racket. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."

"What happened to you?"

"Nothing."

"Right."

"I've just seen girls fall in love with me and then there's all this crying and carrying on. It's terrible. I never want to be like that." He picked a red apple from a nearby branch and took a bite. "You don't have to love me, Kurogane," he said with his mouth full. "I just want to get to know you...in the sex way." A wink and the smile was back again.

Kurogane said nothing. Faintly, the ringing of the bell over the loudspeaker. The girls under the tree packed up their lunches, dusted off their plaid skirts, and started walking back to school.

Fai threw the half-eaten apple as far as he could. It vanished in a patch of cattails and buttercups. "I'm good at sex. Everyone knows guys give the best blow jobs. And I'm pretty too. Aren't I pretty?"

Kurogane slipped out of the tree and landed smoothly on his feet. Fai scrambled to follow. "What do you say?"

"No."

"No?" Fai feigned hurt. It wasn't very difficult.

"Ninja don't indulge in pleasure. It makes you weak."

"Wait." Fai forgot to walk for a second. "So you're saying you want to be a ninja? And ninjas don't have sex. So you're going to live a life without sex?"

Kurogane grunted.

"Unbelievable. Ninjas are real? Are you even allowed to masturbate?"

Kurogane started to walk faster.

"You know, if I wasn't allowed to have sex or masturbate, I'd just cut off my dick!"

Kurogane was running and Fai ran after him. Kurogane's eyes widened when he realized Fai was keeping pace, a huge, obnoxious grin on his face.

"Did you know—" Fai panted, "you can commit suicide—by cutting off your own dick?—If I were locked up in ninja prison and—forced to be a ninja—I'd—well, you know—"

Kurogane put his head down and full-on sprinted.

"KUROGANE!" Fai yelled. "CAN YOU SUCK YOUR OWN DICK?"

Kurogane was breathing heavily, slumped against the main entrance of the school. Students in tidy yellow and maroon uniforms filed past. He hammered at the stitch in his side.

A few seconds later, Fai stumbled up the steps, wrapped his arms around Kurogane's neck, and collapsed on him. "It would be a—great skill—in a hostage—situation—" Sweat stuck their skin together. "How many calories—is a penis—" He could feel Fai's hot breath on his jaw.

"What the fuck are you talking about. What the fuck. What the fuck. Arghhh!" Kurogane seized Fai by the shoulders and shook him.

"You're just so stoic." Fai pinched Kurogane's cheeks. "Hey." He peered into his eyes. "Did I make you feel something?"

They stared at each other for a beat too long. Kurogane caught a flicker of razor hard interest in Fai's expression, the kind he imagined on scientists as they cut the subject open. A serious, cold look, despite Fai's silliness, Fai's smile.

He pushed Fai into the wall and walked inside. He pulled his class schedule from his pocket and examined it.

"We have gym together! When we play soccer, I'll pick you for my team, okay?"

"I feel like I want to kill you."

"It's a circle!" Fai said, to Kurogane's back. "No, a spiral. A loop-de-loop."

* * *

**AN:** Sorry Australians! I actually haven't lived there for a while so let me know if anything is horrifically wrong.

If you are confused about the last line, this story was supposed to be a one-shot for my Kurofai one-shot collection, _Albatross_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

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******Rating:** PG-13/ T whatever

* * *

Fai, Kurogane, and Chii spent Saturday at Frenchman's Beach. A pink guillotine had been set up nearby, an art installation. The blade was covered in silver glitter and the lunette was dotted with tiny hearts. It took Chii and Fai together to lift the lunette wide enough for Kurogane to put his head in.

"It's for a photo," Fai wheedled with his salesman smile.

"A photo!" echoed Chii. "Please, Kurogane." She twirled her hair and batted her long eyelashes.

She looked virginal in her short white sundress. He was tall and his light blue t-shirt was crisp and expensive.

_What a couple_, Kurogane thought.

Once Kurogane was trapped in the guillotine, unable to look away, Fai swept Chii up in his arms and kissed her hard on the mouth. He watched Kurogane the entire time. Tilted almost upside-down, Chii followed Fai's eyes.

_What a couple. _

Kurogane would have shook his head with disbelief, if he could.

"Now's our chance! We can leave old grumpy butt and go have adventures together." Fai swung Chii back upright and took both her hands in his. Waltzed her around.

"Fai, that's awful!" Chii giggled. She ran to Kurogane and tried to free him. "Come help."

* * *

They set up an umbrella and picnic blanket at the edge of the beach, where sand met cliff. A steep set of stairs was carved in the cliff face; there was no handrail.

Kurogane lay in the shade with his arm flung over his eyes. Fai had delightedly poked Kurogane's abs a few times, realized Kurogane was not going to react, and handed Chii $20.

"Chii, could you buy me a drink. Doesn't matter what. Get yourself something too."

"Okay!"

"Thanks, love." He grabbed a plastic pail and shovel and joined a group of children building sandcastles.

"Do you want anything, Kurogane?" asked Chii timidly.

"Sit down."

Chii sat. Kurogane rolled onto his side.

"Isn't Fai cute?" said Chii.

Fai was carefully pressing seashells and twigs into the castle walls as the children dug a moat around him. His tongue was stuck out in concentration. He did not seem to notice the seaweed in his hair.

Kurogane's usual look of disdain did not budge. "You should be careful."

"You don't have to protect me. I know what Fai's like."

"He seems heartless."

Chii giggled. "Most of us think Fai is all heart. That's why we love him. Because he's kind."

Kurogane said nothing.

"Last summer, when Anna hurt her ankle hiking, Fai carried her a mile to the lodge and he stayed with her at the hospital. If it's raining and he sees you don't have an umbrella, he'll walk you home. And he never turns down a girl because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings."

"Bullshit."

"Even though Fai's busy all the time and often seems a little distant, isn't it nice to spend some time with someone wonderful?"

Overhead, the screaming of gulls and the hiss of waves. The kids were filling the moat with water. Fai was holding up a small crab and looking cross-eyed at it as it snapped its claws indignantly.

A red-haired girl in a white bikini called a greeting and waved. Fai absentmindedly waved the crab.

"How long until he moves on to the next girl?"

Chii tilted her head. A cascade of long, blonde hair. "When the next girl asks, I guess."

"Doesn't he ask anyone himself? Even just for sex."

"No. He doesn't." Chii looked insulted. "Fai doesn't use people."

"He asked me."

Chii stood. "I'm going to buy the drinks now."

* * *

"The best part about this beach," said Fai, "is a secret, but I will show you because I love you."

The sunset colored both sand and sea a fiery copper, though the lazy, warm breeze of the day had become stronger, colder. The shadows grew longer, bluer.

The three of them all had itchy sand stuck to their legs from walking, following Fai past the beach-goers who were increasingly teenagers and preoccupied couples. The sandcastle children had left with their parents hours ago. Fai kept walking, occasionally picking up shells.

He gave Kurogane a tiny pointed shell, shaped like a teardrop, with butter and cream swirls. "A Creeper."

He gave Chii a coiled, white one, with a pink lip. "Coral snail." She stared at it as she walked.

They walked until they reached a point when they couldn't see people anywhere in any direction, only building lights peeking out of the trees far above the cliffs. Before them was a cove where the sand surrendered to boulders rough with limpets.

Fai crumpled the paper bag and took a deep swig from the half-empty wine bottle that had been inside. He had been sharing it with Chii. Kurogane didn't drink. "I bet you don't have beaches like this in England," he said.

Kurogane shrugged.

"You're awfully quiet, Chii. Are you feeling alright?" Fai ran a hand through her hair and the gold tangled like a thin web between his fingers.

Chii leaned into him. She gave a little gasp as Fai put an arm under her knees, another behind her back, lifted her up.

"Let's take a swim. What do you say?"

"Fai, you're awful." She seemed tired and was flushed from the alcohol, but she managed a smile.

Fai handed off the wine bottle to Kurogane, who was already carrying two full bottles of wine tied up in the picnic blanket, and the umbrella. On his back, he carried a camping bag with Fai's pail and shovel, apples, turkey sandwiches, everyone's clothes, and three cotton blankets. Although, most January nights people slept with their windows open or turned on the air conditioning to assuage the summer heat, Fai liked to be careful. It did get chilly by the sea.

Fai waded out into the inlet and Kurogane followed. The water was surprisingly cold.

"Look out for blue-ringed octopi. And stinging jellyfish!"

The inlet was about ten yards wide. The water gradually grew deeper as they walked, coming up to their chests before it grew shallow again. Chii shivered and clung to Fai.

"All sea snakes are poisonous!"

The sand was now red, the sky purple. On this opposite shore, there were no footprints. They came to a cave hidden in the cliff.

"It's only visible from the sea." Fai set Chii down on the sand.

"It's nice," said Chii. "We should live here." She shivered again, and sneezed.

"Yup! A kitchen here. A bathroom there. Kuro can help dig the basement."

Kurogane wrapped a blanket around Chii's shoulders.

"Are you alright?" said Fai. "We can go back if you feel sick."

They ended up finishing the wine and starting the next bottle.

Soon, apple cores bobbed out to sea. Fai wanted to write a message and throw the wine bottle too. Fai was a singing drunk, Kurogane discovered, and had memorized a terrifying number of Spice Girls songs.

Fai and Chii sang "Wannabe" for what felt like hours. "_If you wanna be my lover_..." Chii grew quieter and quieter until she fell asleep, curled against Fai's chest.

Fai laid her down on the picnic blanket. Smoothed out her hair. Tucked her in.

He waited a respectful moment. Then poked Kurogane.

"Hey," he whispered. "She's asleep. Wanna make out?"

"She's not asleep." Kurogane leveled Fai an even stare. "She can hear you."

Fai startled and double checked. "Liar!"

Kurogane said nothing.

"Do you hate me? Do you think I'm immoral and hedonistic, selfish and uncaring, a worthless douchebag asshole piece of shit?" Night had fallen completely. Kurogane could not quite make out the expression on Fai's face. "Some people do," Fai said. "They're special unicorns."

"I can't believe no one knows what you're actually like."

Fai smothered a laugh. "They all think I'm a saint." He crawled over to Kurogane on hands and knees. "I'm cold." He tried to sling Kurogane's arm over his shoulders.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Maybe I'm a bit drunk. You should drink too. Maybe you'd get it."

"No. I don't think I would."

Fai snuggled into Kurogane's side. Stuck his nose in his armpit and giggled.

"No one cares what I'm actually like. I give them what they want. Is that so bad?"

"I don't see the saint that everyone seems to think you are."

"I want to try something new with you."

A kiss on the neck.

Kurogane's heart skipped a beat.

The only light, shimmering on the waves. A constant, soothing ebb and flow.

Kurogane took his arm off Fai's shoulders, walked to the back of the cave. He left Fai, knees pulled up to his chest, still wearing only his swim trunks, chilly. The little piece of seaweed was a dark smudge in Fai's bright hair. He looked so thin, he looked parasitic, starving.

"I'm the smartest kid in the school," Fai said. "I'm the most popular. Everybody loves me. I have my parents' inheritance. I can have whatever I want. It's like magic."

"Well, I'll be the one thing you can't have."

"Naturally, you'll be the one thing I want the most. That's how it works. And I _will _have you."

Kurogane scoffed. "No you won't. I don't like you."

For once, Fai fell silent.

"Did I make you feel something?" said Kurogane.

* * *

**AN: **_Sorry everybody, this started out as fluff._


End file.
